چند لطیفه زیبا به زبان انگلیسی

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."

***

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

***

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

***

The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."
The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink."

***

The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
The doctor says, "Next, please."

***

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

***

Never Lie to a Woman

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

***

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

***

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

***

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

***

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

***

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

***

A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

***

Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.

***

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

***

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

***

There was a big hole in street. It was the cause of many accident and many injuries. One day, three fools were talking about solving this problem. The first one said, “it’s better to rest an ambulance near the hole, so when somebody is injured, he could be carried to a hospital by that ambulance.”  The second one said, “I suggest to build a hospital near it to help injured people.” The third fool said, “These are costly suggestions. It’s better to fill this hole and dig another in front of a big hospital.

***

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."

***

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

***

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run...

***

Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!

***

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.

***

A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?

***

Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

***

In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.

***

A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

***

The First 3 Years of Marriage
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

 

 



تاريخ : دوشنبه سی ام اردیبهشت 1392 | 11:25 قبل از ظهر | نویسنده : ر |
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